Total Badass
by Magery
Summary: An ode to the Turian Ghost Infiltrator. Because when you have a Tactical Cloak, a kick-ass jetpack and you're the same species as Garrus Vakarian, there's really nothing else you can be.


It's hard work, being a total badass. I know to the rest of the world it must seem almost effortless, but it took a lot of training to get to where I am right now. You would not _believe_ how hard it is to get used to a jetpack. I mean, seriously, it looks stylish as hell, but sometimes I wish for the sheer ease of being able to combat roll.

Turians can't do it, you see. Our knees are wrong – they don't bend the right way, or something like that. Funnily enough, quarians are the same, but they're light and prissy enough that they have some sort of 'combat scamper', or, as I like to call it, the Migrant Hop. Probably comes from the fact they evolved on Rannoch as prey. We turians, on the other claw, are predators. We don't try and avoid being killed. We _kill_.

But anyway, back to the story. All those years of military training teaching us to take cover, to never retreat, to make up for the fact we can't dive out of the way of enemy fire by never letting them get a shot off, and then one day some bright spark in the Armiger Legion decides to screw a few millennia of combat protocol and add miniature jump-jets into his armour suit.

The craze catches on, and suddenly they're standard issue and we all have to re-learn how to fight to take advantage of the fact our new dodge range is longer than a Council meeting. But, of course, I managed it—and quite excellently, mind you—and now it's almost second nature. Hell, sometimes I find myself trying to jetpack-dodge out of bed after a one-night stand.

What I love, though, are stim-packs. Low on shields? Use one, and then not only are they restored to full—and, depending on how you design yours, sometimes _beyond_ full—but the omni-capacitors in your weapons are amped up. So, one moment you're caught between three pissed-off Marauders, shields dropping like someone on the end of a Vakarian Special, and the next they're fully charged – plus your Cerberus Harrier is spitting out rounds like someone turned a Widow automatic.

Speaking of the Cerberus Harrier, I'd happily marry that thing. For spirit's sake, I know some people who _have_. It's like someone on high watched that stupid human ad about tacos, and decided that yes, you really _can_ have both. An automatic assault rifle with heavy damage and easily-manageable recoil? It's basically a fuck you in gun form!

I mean, seriously. Banshee? Harrier that shit. Praetorian? Harrier that shit. Atlas? Harrier that shit. See the pattern? A Harrier solves _everything_! Including the issue of who pays for drinks, oddly enough. Long story, I'll tell you later, but suffice to say it involves two angry Krogan, one drunk Asari Justicar—which is hilarious to watch, by the way—and a competition to see who can walk around Omega in the middle of the night cycle without being attacked. I won, of course. Total badass, remember?

Anyway, moving on from my love affair with a gun, if there's one thing that could possibly be better than the Harrier, it's the Harrier combined with Overload and my trusty Tactical Cloak. Spirits, the only combination I know that's better than that one is Shepard and Vakarian! I mean, honestly. One moment everyone's shooting at you, the next you vanish… only to re-appear having fried some unfortunate's neural pathways with the mother of all electric shocks before putting a few rounds in them while they're too stunned to do anything except die.

Combine that with a stim-pack, one of the few things in this world that _doesn't_ break your cloak when you use it, and you're a one-turian death machine, spewing rounds down-range like it's going out of style – not that anything I ever do could go out of style, being a total badass and all.

That said, Overload is pretty damn good just on its own. If your enemy has shields, well… not anymore they don't. And if they don't have armour, they're practically _begging_ for a full-bore neural shock to the face. You've got to hand it to Mordin Solus – the man was a visionary. Who would have thought something as simple as an electric shock could become so versatile?

And, of course, we get to every Infiltrator's signature, and every bouncer's worst nightmare. Tactical Cloak. Now you see me, now you don't! We turians are awfully conspicuous normally, being both tall and, as I mentioned earlier, due to our unfortunate kneecaps completely unable to dodge, so being able to turn invisible is extremely useful both on and off the battlefield.

Whether you're trying to activate some remote weapon trigger in the middle of the night on Tuchanka, or whether you just want to sneak up on a Brute from behind and, what's the human expression, cap its ass? Anyway, regardless of what you're doing, I don't really think there's a situation a Tactical Cloak is inappropriate for.

Except maybe when you're taking your wedding vows.

I have a buddy who accidentally did that, once. Well, I say accidentally, I mean I dared the Saboteur sitting next to me to hack into his armour—because no, it's not a cultural stereotype, we really _do_ wear armour all the time—and activate it. To this day, he still doesn't know how it happened, and more importantly, neither does his wife.

If there's one thing I hate more than a Banshee screaming in the middle of a charge, it's an angry turian woman. Normally, I can deal with it, but it would be kind of inappropriate to seduce a friend's soon-to-be-wife in the middle of their wedding. I might be a total badass, but I'm not a total dick. At least, not to people I need to depend on in a firefight.

Anyway, a jet-pack, Tactical Cloak, Overload, stim-packs and the Cerberus Harrier. If you can't solve your problems—or at the very least, get out of the way so that they're not your problem anymore—with at least one of them, you're either stupid, or a krogan.

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. That's what it takes to be a total badass. Well, besides being ridiculously attractive, having aiming skills like the second coming of Garrus Vakarian and rocking a swagger that would impress Zaeed Massani.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think it's time I broke Omega's only rule… if you know what I mean.

* * *

If only I was half as good at multiplayer as my imaginary Turian Ghost Infiltrator is.

Anyway, if anyone's remotely interested, my Origin ID is WufflestheWonder, and yes, that is a reference to _exactly_ what you think it is.


End file.
